The Charlie Method #3

I’m going to teach you kids a thing or two about handling yourself in a good ol’ fashioned bar fight. For the sake of this blog, I’ll call it “The Charlie Method #2” (the Charlie Method #1 is a difficult sexual position that I am currently trying to patent, and if you’re a broad then I may one day teach it to you and Charlie’s Method #3 is a recipe for making cookies).

Before you read on, grasshopper, there are a few rules that you must follow. The first is that you need to know the guy across from you WILL do anything to beat the living cheese out of you. DON‘T HOLD BACK! This is a warrior battle between two titans, not a goddamn pillow fight.

The second is that there are no rules. Use whatever means necessary to teach your opponent a lesson. In the olden days you would fight to the death, but in our time some bureaucratic ass-sniffer deemed murder a capital offence. BAH!

Third is that you didn’t hear anything from me. If you get arrested, chances are that I’m already going to be in the cell next to yours and I WILL romp on your spleen if I hear that you blaming me…

“Charlie’s Method #2”

1) Use whatever object that is lying around you as a weapon. Personally, I like glass bottles (the bigger the better) to smash on your opponent’s head, neck or shoulder (but don‘t exclude heavy drinking glasses or chairs). A good thing to do is scope out the room when you arrive and zoom in on possible armaments like the Terminator. Better safe than sorry.

No one ever won a war by using their hands (except for maybe cavemen or nancy-boys, but they don’t count.)

2) If you are backed into a corner and cannot gather a weapon, you can go for the cock punch. Most men disagree about this move, but then again most men who disagree with me usually end up on the ground clutching their swollen sacks. The upwards swinging motion usually works best, because you hit the intended target without fail and thrust the testicles into the lower-abdomen causing nausea and headaches.

3) Never underestimate the power of a well placed sucker punch. This usually works best if your opponent is an especially smug bastard. With his head turned away to gain recognition with his friends, wind your fist up and fire that piston when he turns back to you. Or, with his chest thrust in front of him and his arms pulled out to his side like a great ape claiming his domain, swing a heavy uppercut into his abdomen and lay him out like a Thai school girl.

Note: If you’re unsure of your opponent’s intentions, remember the famous words of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, “Shoot first, ask questions later.”

4) Look for things on his body to grab onto. I LOVE it when I see a piercing; it’s like a handle from god. Just grab and pull! Same goes for hair or ridiculous clothes. Dreadlocks? Grab and pull! Baggy shirt/pants? Grab and pull! Cowboy hat? Grab and pull!

5) Whoever said to never kick a man when he’s down is a true asshole. ALWAYS kick a man when he’s down! You need to teach this person a lesson that he will remember for the rest of his life: “Never FUCK with (INSERT NAME HERE).” He’s not going to learn that lesson if you have the kid gloves on.

It’s also usually good to spit on ‘im when you’re done.

6) If for whatever reason these things don’t work, remember to RUN LIKE FUCK. If your opponent can take all of that, then he’s one tough bastard and you shouldn’t have fucked with him in the first place.

Just run like fuck and never return…