Sunday morning is CSI day.

No, not the damn TV show, dumb ass. This would be the day I look at all the clues on and around my body to figure out what happened on Saturday. It’s kind of a game I play.

Still don’t get it? I’ll walk through the process with all two people reading this…

First things first, I’m in my apartment. That’s good. That means I made it back. Nothing worse than waking up in jail or fuckin’ Mexico.

All my clothes are on, that’s real good. If you’re naked and you don’t know how you got that way, you have no idea how long you’ve been naked. Could be when you stumbled home, you took off your clothes. Or you could have been naked for hours, wandering the neighborhood in search for your domicile.

Don’t you dare laugh you bastards, it’s happened more than once.

Time to empty my pockets…

First thing I come across is a Denny’s placemat. On the back of said placemat is a shitty little map I drew to a house in Duarte. Duarte?

Okay, next is and autographed picture of Tom Sizemore with a personal note. “Great luck with AA!”

Wow.

The next is a phone number on the back of a Spearmint Rhino matchbook. No name. This situation could be one of two things, a stripper or a gay bouncer. Either one is not good.

Lighter and an empty pack of smokes. Not too weird, but the lighter is a feminine looking Bic with fairies and crap all over it. I know I didn’t buy that…

I think I didn’t buy that.

My wallet is empty, of course. It’s a rare day when I find any cash left on a Sunday morning. My bank and credit cards are still there, so that’s good.

My phone is still here, and there is some pictures in it. The first is of Circus Liquor in the valley, tilted and blurred oh so much as to make me assume I was either drunk or having a heart attack when I took it. The second is of my friend peeing on a squad car. The third looks like the Santa Monica pier, but my thumb is kind of in the way.

The final clue to my Saturday is that “Dickhead” is written on my car in lipstick. It’s a light shade, possibly pink.



How was your weekend?